The comeback: month 3

Even as I write that title using the word “comeback” feels like I’m setting expectations high, for myself, again. But here we go again, right? Try try try try (fail fail fail fail) and try again. Because I’d really, really, like to ride my bike long distances again. So here we go.

January

In January I sat down and tried to realistically carve out a rough plan for myself for this year. I was starting over again from scratch, and if I was really honest with myself, starting over again felt awful. It was, and still is, really difficult to look back at where I was and not feel like it was a huge, insurmountable gulf that never ever would be achievable.

And I know what you might be thinking: you can do it, one step at a time, insert pithy accolade here. But I think unless you’ve been there, really been there, it’s hard to imagine what starting over again really looks like. I used to think if I took 3 months off of training I was so unfit and I was starting again. Ha. I knew nothing. Try two years.

Two years of trying, and failing, to get back riding again. Two years of almost non-stop constant pain wearing down at me. At my energy. At my motivation. And the constant questioning of it was even what I wanted. Was I chasing something that I used to want but really didn’t anymore? Was I trying to “go back and be who I was” and being honest with myself that it wasn’t possible?

Did I even want to ride anymore?

This was the question that haunted me during my quiet moments. It was hard. So hard. And it was much much easier to just do what I was doing. Walking. Spending a lot of time with my family. Working. And having so much free time to choose to do what I wanted. Did I even want to go back? Would my family even support me if I did? But I had to try.

So in January, after a month of holiday back at home in Canada, I set out the plan. A plan full of month-by-month goals, leading to a bigger ride near the end of the year. And the biggest goal for January was just to get back on the bike and start riding again. Inside if that’s all I could do, but just start riding.

• January Learnings:
  • Butt fitness is a thing
  • 30 minutes is a long time to spend on an indoor trainer
  • Everything is a hill

February

February’s goal was to get up to 50km on the bike. I managed to ride 90 minutes outside in January, so 50km was doable. Except when I put this goal down it meant 50km outside… on gravel. Which, given the groad conditions of the Macedon Ranges towards the end of summer, wasn’t going to be easy. Corrugations get pretty intense at this time of year, so any off-road riding was hard work.

Adding to this was the body rebellion each and every time I got on the bike. After my second surgery (to remove the metalware they implanted after the accident) I had some wonky nerve pain, which meant nerve flares. If you’ve never experienced nerve pain then count yourself lucky. For me it felt like my left arm was sunburnt, and then electricity would pulse down it. Another pulse would shoot into my jaw and my face, making it feel like I was having dental work done… but without the anesthetic. Very very hard to try and be motivated to get on the bike knowing I’d have at least 30 minutes of intense nerve pain afterward.

We had switched my physio plan from focusing on strength only to focusing more on mobility, and making some adjustments so I could keep riding. I was a lot stronger now, but everything was stiff and not moving well, so shifting away from just strength work didn’t make my life that much easier (how awful is thoracic mobility!!). Aero may be everything, but it was the opposite of what I needed. Upright, tops of the handlebars, and being as kind to my neck as I could. No getting in the drops for me for a long time. But I could still ride. Not fast. But still moving forward.

By the middle of the month, I was kinda ready. I had been doing a lot of my outdoor rides with my husband Max. but wanted to do this first longer ride alone. I had roughly mapped out where I wanted to go and planned a route that allowed me to ride a section I loved (Salt Water Track for those who know the Macedon Ranges). I hadn’t really thought about distance or time, just that I wanted to ride a bit further and see how I went.

After about 2.5 hours I felt pretty sore. A lot of spine tension, and a tired neck, and I really just wanted to stop riding. However, I wasn’t really anywhere near home, so had to keep going. In good news, I managed to hit my 50km mark and 3 hours total of riding. But I was pretty shattered, which isn’t really how I wanted to end this one. So yes it was a celebration, but it didn’t feel as much of one as I would have liked.

The aftermath of this ride wasn’t the best either. My inner critique was very loud about pointing out that I used to do 50km as a recovery ride, and that having to rest for days (all 10 of them) afterward was a joke. It was awful. I was awful to me, and it took a lot of inner work to get back riding again.

• February learnings
  • Butt fitness is still a thing
  • 30 minutes is still a long time to spend on an indoor trainer, but 60 minutes is worse
  • Everything is a hill and I live in a hilly area
  • Corrugations are even more unpleasant than I thought
  • I really like riding bikes with Max

March

March started off with a bang… at work at least. The workload picked up a lot, and by the end of the day I was so shattered that even making dinner was too much. So it wasn’t an ideal situation to start building kms or time.

Instead, Max and I rode out to Lancefield for my first Audax ride of the season. It took 3.5 hours of riding, and there was a coffee and DONUT BREAK during the ride. But we did it. And it felt pretty awesome to be able to say I was riding Audax again (even if it was only a 50km permanent… shut up inner critique).

The plan this month is to build up to a longer ride and add another 30 minutes to my longest ride, making it 4 hours of riding. At the time of writing, I have one week left in the month to do this and am not feeling super confident about it. After that last ride, I got sick and am only just starting to feel like I can see the light of day again.

But I have ‘discovered’ zone 2 riding. Which honestly feels pretty easy, who’d of thought? Turns out I’ve been riding way too hard, and quite possibly that’s why my body has been rebelling along the way. So, with really nothing to lose, I’ll give this a try and see what happens.

Watch this space.